Idolizing Brokenness

There is no doubt that as human beings we are irrevocably broken creatures. We see this certainly in the news, social media, but perhaps the clearest indication only requires a look within. We consistently attempt to usurp the role of the Almighty in our daily lives. Why? Because we are rebels against the holy and almighty God. This is the narrative of Genesis 3. We believed a lie rather than the truth, and when the enemy brazenly asks and remarks to Eve, 

Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?” And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, but God said, ‘You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.’” But the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil (Genesis 3:1-5; ESV).

In other words, the question that was posed, and the subsequent response, clearly indicate that both Adam and Eve believed the great lie that we can somehow be more like God by disobeying God. This unfortunate incident had its launch in Genesis 3, however, the shrapnel which would be released is still felt even today. 

Daily, we truly convince ourselves, whether consciously or unconsciously, that  we are capable of righteousness, holiness, and even true goodness on our own efforts and disregard the truth in exchange for a lie. In fact, the idea that there are “essentially good” people in the world cannot be further from the truth. As a result of the initial rebellion and betrayal in Gen. 3, the Bible makes it clear exactly who we are in Romans 3,

None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one.” “Their throat is an open grave; they use their tongues to deceive.” “The venom of asps is under their lips.” “Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness.” “Their feet are swift to shed blood; in their paths are ruin and misery, and the way of peace they have not known.” “There is no fear of God before their eyes (Romans 3:11-18; ESV).So the brokenness of the human condition is not in question. The first step in learning from our brokenness is admitting we are broken. The great G.K. Chesterton wrote,

“When a man really tells the truth, the first truth he tells is that he himself is a liar” (Chesterton 1910, 234). 

There is simply no getting around the truth that we are at our very core broken beyond what we can repair. This is the reason we need not just rescue, but we also require redemption, and this redemption comes only from the finished work of Christ. In this regard, what is required is to admit without hesitation that we need the Lord and that he alone is our Savior. Without admittance of sin and brokenness, there can be no recovery. This is the good news of the Gospel! For those who admit, repent, and call upon the name of Jesus, we are now new creations (2 Corinthians 5:17), yet many of us, myself certainly included, often dwell more on our failures and our brokenness than we rely on our redemption. 

In January of this year (2021) I for the first time in my life truly began to confront and make public my struggles with mental health. For well over 25 years I have privately and internally dealt with depression, anxiety, and even suicidal thoughts. I have isolated myself and masked my struggles because of fear of what those closest to me might say. As a result, I was content to hide away what I deemed too broken for others to deal with, even those closest to me, and while on the surface I appeared to be ok and in control, beneath the thin veneer there was bubbling up sorrow, depression, anxiety, worry, fear, etc.

A great lie we tell ourselves, or that I told myself at least, is that if people really knew who you were, you would be disgraced, abandoned, and ridiculed. The enemy loves to lie to us. He is a master craftsman of such lies, and as a result we so often feel like we only can exist in the dark, all the while, Jesus is beckoning us to come into the light. But the light is scary. It exposes us. It illuminates the worst of who we are. In the light we can no longer skulk in the shadows and hide away from ourselves. We must confront and deal with our sin and our brokenness. It is in this, and only in this, that we find freedom. Jesus breaks every chain and we are finally set free. Does this mean that we are instantly released from suffering or from our brokenness in regards to complete healing or eradication of our mental health issues? NO! Certainly God CAN do this, but as often is the case, He does not always do this. The great promise is not that we have been freed from all of our woes, but that Jesus is enough to carry us through them.

Yet, again, we can know this in our heads and even truly believe, but at the same time we so routinely put the heavy yoke back up on our shoulders and run back to the very chains we have been set free from. Now, I certainly will not speak on behalf of others, but I can say for myself that one of the main reasons I keep falling into this trap is because I often idolize my brokenness. This may sound strange because typically when we think of idols in our lives they are often good gifts that we elevate to counterfeit gods, but rarely do we think about idolizing something so off putting. The fallen nature of man however, is constantly searching for a new idol, and these idols may be anything. John Calvin in his classic work, The Institutes of the Christian Religion, remarked,

From this we may gather that man’s nature, so to speak, is a perpetual factory of idols…Man’s mind, full as it is of pride and boldness, dares to imagine a god according to its own capacity; as it sluggishly plods, indeed is overwhelmed with the crassest ignorance, it conceives an unreality and an empty appearance as God. (Calvin 1846, 1.1.18)

This is where I unfortunately find myself so often. As soon as I try to eliminate one idol, another is immediately ready to take up the vacant position. 

As is so often the case, I am more prepared, it seems, to believe the finite and short sighted self rather than the omnipotent and omniscient God. I find myself much more prone to believe and adopt the broken mentality of my view of self rather than the truth, which is that God has not only fixed something broken, but He has given life to that which was dead. This begs the question, why do I (and perhaps others as well) find it easier to cling to our brokenness rather than to truth? This is a question I cannot attempt to answer for others, but for myself I can genuinely say that the answer lies in two distinct places: 1. Ease and 2. Pride.

It is deceptively easier to hide and cling to the shadows than it is to walk in the light. It is a lie we all believe at different times. For me, it feels easier to isolate and hide myself from those close to me because of an abject fear of rejection. I suffuse myself with the multitudinous “ifs” and “shoulds.” I write narratives in my headspace which I convince myself are actually reality. I find fear singing its interminable cacophony. I am utterly convinced that no one is even capable of caring for, loving, or even knowing me, and as a result I hide. The perturbation reaches fever pitch and I cling to myself dispirited. I tell myself that surely I am condemned and no human being in existence, past, present, or future, is as broken as me. Which, of course, leads to the second main reason why it is easier for me to lean on being broken more than being redeemed; pride.

Pride is truly a seductive thing. It convinces us that we are enough, that we are good, that we are strong enough, or that we wield the fortitude to face our issues alone. In a culture where pride is king and the overall viewpoint is to fix yourself, the Christian worldview stands in categorical objection. Instead of fixing yourself, Jesus commands us to die to self. The difference is that only one of the two is a sufficient Savior (2 Corinthians 12:9-10, Colossians 1:15-20) and spoiler alert, it is not us. I want to pause and make something clear, I am not advocating that by merely trusting Jesus a person should avoid seeking help for mental health. On the contrary, I think it is imperative that a person seek outside counsel. I am currently seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist, both of which have been invaluable in helping me to heal and deal with my own inner tanglings. In fact, it is pride which kept me from seeking help for so many years, so please, if you are struggling, get help!  But this is not the only way I have seen pride manifest itself in my own struggles. 

I recently had a friend point something very interesting out to me. I was discussing how often I have preached on Romans 8, and in particular v. 1, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1; ESV), yet while I have the head knowledge of its truth, I was having a difficult time convincing my heart. In my mind I sort of thought of this as a humble attitude, afterall I was looking at myself from my perspective as quite lowly. However, as my friend not so gently pointed out, this is actually a position of immense pride. By me saying that Romans 8:1 is true for everyone else yet not for me, I was essentially saying I am somehow so set apart and special that even God’s grace could not possibly give me hope. 

That stung. I had not thought until that moment about how prideful that attitude was. I was essentially limiting the limitless God by proclaiming I was so special that even He could not redeem this broken soul. I assume I am not alone in this mistake. I am sure there are many Christian brothers and sisters who, like me, see themselves far too gone to be cared for and redeemed Christ. If I am honest, there are still days I struggle with this more than others, but one thing about truth is that it is true regardless of whether or not one agrees with it. 

So what can be done to combat this? Like I said, getting help is crucial, but I think the most important thing we can do is to proclaim the truth and believe it. We must quit believing in lies, even when they are more comfortable and convenient, because it is not in lies that we find hope, but it is in lies that we find despair. In The Brothers Karamazov, the great Fydor Dostoyevsky says the following,

Above all, do not lie to yourself. A man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point where he does not discern any truth either in himself or anywhere around him, and thus falls into disrespect towards himself and others. Not respecting anyone, he ceases to love, and having no love, he gives himself up to the passions and coarse pleasures, in order to occupy and amuse himself, and in his vices reaches complete bestiality, and it all comes from lying continually to others and to himself (Dostoyevsky 2007, 43-44).

We must believe the truth and proclaim the truth. Are we broken? Yes. Are we hopeless? No. We have a redeemer who not only conquered the grave, but he won every battle, even if we do not immediately see it (John 16:33). Idolizing our brokenness over our redemption is a pitfall because no matter what we do, we will never be enough, but the truth is far greater - Jesus is enough.

Bibliography

Calvin, John. 1846. The Institutes of the Christian Religion. Translated by Henry Beveridge. Vol. 1. 2 vols. Edinburgh: Calvin Translation Society.

Chesterton, G.K. 1910. What's Wrong with the World? London: Cassels and Company.

Dostoyevsky, Fyodor. 2007. The Brothers Karamazov. Knoxville, TN: Wordsworth Editions.