The Difficult Task of Forgiveness
I will go ahead and go on record as saying I have a problem with forgiveness. Now, before you go ahead and leave this post declaring me some sort of heretic, allow me to clarify. I have a clear and real understanding of what forgiveness is in relation to forgiving and showing mercy to other people, but where I struggle is in the acceptance of forgiveness of self or that I am somehow unforgivable in my own sin. If another person wrongs me or offends me, I am usually (granted not always) expeditious to grant forgiveness to that person. Afterall, I am certainly not perfect, and obviously all of humanity is irrevocably broken, so how can I not forgive them right? Where I have my proverbial sparring match is seldom with forgiving others, but it is ubiquitously with forgiving my own transgressions. It is an unabating battle in which I most frequently find myself on the losing end. Why is this? I think for me it comes from a couple of different places.
First, it comes from an innate sense of knowing what I truly deserve. As a fallen creature in a fallen world, I am a rebel and an enemy of God in my natural state. Paul writes in Ephesians,
“And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind” (Ephesians 2:1-3, ESV).
So what does this mean? It means that all human beings are sinners from birth, and although the Christian escapes the penalty and consequence of this sin (death eternal) through the life, death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus who paid that cost for us, we will be struggling against sin for the remainder of earthly lives. But, I think there needs to be a further point of clarity on sin, namely what it is and is not. Many people, even those within the Christian worldview have a strong fallacy as to what exactly sin is. It is often explained that sin is a bad thing or to break a law. Sin is often seen as something that is outside of a person and the act which that person commits. While certainly, these actions are indicative of the presence of sin, this is not the whole picture. Dr. Steven Lawson in his sermon at the 2015 Ligonier Conference said it this way,
“Sin is the antithesis of God’s glory, a contradiction of His holy nature. It is all that falls short of God’s blameless character, amounting to nothing less than cosmic treason against the Creator.”
Oof. Think about that. Sin is not something outside of us, but rather it is the underpinning of who we are as fallen creatures. Sin is not just to commit a wrongdoing, but rather it is a love of self over love of God, and even more serious, it is blatantly a hatred of God. So where am I going with this? Well as I quoted from Paul earlier, as a sinner, I was child of wrath and an enemy of God, I have to think about what I deserve, which is the full unmollified wrath of God. Again, as a Christian I know logically that my treason against God brings me death (Rom. 6:23a), yet God has wiped the slate clean for me and in Him (Jesus) alone is there life found (Rom. 6:23b). But I struggle with believing God’s forgiveness in my own life sometimes because I know what I really deserve is not mercy or forgiveness, but wrath and destruction. So I KNOW that God has wiped my sin away, but sometimes, if I’m honest, knowledge and trust feel like they are miles apart. These are the moments when I truly need God to help me in my unbelief. It is in these moments that the beauty of Christ is on full display as seen in Romans 5,
“ For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation” (Romans 5:6-9, ESV).
What an unparalleled and telling passage to display the hope found only in Jesus. It is a vivid and timely reminder that we as Christians are literally unable to outsin God’s sovereign grace (Rom. 5:20). While this so consolatory for me, there is another the part of this equation.
I’m forgiven by a Holy God who owes me nothing, yet gives me everything (HALLELUJAH), but somehow I still struggle to forgive myself. What brings this struggle on? It brings me to the second reason I struggle with forgiveness - pride. The root of sin is, in fact, pride. As the incomparable C.S. Lewis wrote,
“Unchastity, anger, green, drunkenness, and all that, are mere fleabites in comparison: it was through Pride that the devil became the devil: Pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind...pride always means enmity - it is enmity. And not only enmity between man and man, but enmity with God” (Lewis 1980, 122-123).
In other words, pride is inescapable. Now, pride is generally considered as thinking of one’s self as being better than others, and while this holds true, there is also a recent counterpart I have been forced to reckon with. For me, the pride issue has been in thinking I am an exception. This exception has been that while for the Christian, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ (Rom. 8:1), I have difficulty in accepting or believing that this is applicable to me. Again, I know it is true, but my knowledge of what is true and my trust in what is true have been found to battle one another. I am certain that for others, their sin is forgiven and there truly is no condemnation anymore because of the finished work of Christ, but maybe I am just too sinful or too far gone. This is intrinsically arrogant. In having a willingness to even entertain the notion that somehow my sin is so far beyond anyone else’s that even Jesus would be willing to recant on his promise is ludicrous. All it does is make me nonplussed and despondent. This is not coherent with the gospel. This is because instead of godly grief (true conviction which leads to repentence), I find myself (again pride) really wallowing in worldly grief. To illustrate the difference, Kevin DeYoung notes,
“Worldly grief is not good grief; it leads to death (2 Cor. 7:10). Because worldly grief does not allow us to see our offensiveness to God, we don’t deal with our sin in a vertical direction. And when we don’t repent upward, we don’t get forgiveness from God, the lack of which leads to spiritual death. Worldly grief deals with symptoms, not with the disease. It produces despair, bitterness, and depression because it focuses on regret for the past (which can’t be changed) instead of personal sinfulness (which can always be forgiven). Ironically, if you say ‘I can’t forgive myself,’ it’s probably a sign of worldly grief = either unbelief in God’s promises and the sufficiency of Christ’s work on the cross, or regret that is merely focused on your loss of esteem and your loss of opportunities” (DeYoung 2012, 142-143).
So where does this leave us? The bottom line is this: my sin should cause me to be more vigilant against it and the repercussions therein, and more importantly, I am more compelled to truly believe in the truth of the gospel. Since (not if) Almighty God, who is perfect in His love, compassion, mercy, grace, justice, and above all holiness, has forgiven me, how could my attitude be anything less than tremendous gratitude? By refusing to forgive myself, I have done two things which ought not be done: 1. I have erred in the understanding of the comprehensive work of Jesus in my life. Since (again, not if) He promises it is complete, who am I to question this truth? 2. I have misunderstood what self forgiveness is. Instead of conviction and repentance, I keep trying to pay a penance so to speak, and I want to be inflicted by punishment. Ironically, this is done as an act of pride rather than humility.
So pray for me. I am working on this. I am grinding. Some days are victories and other days feel like losses, but the beauty is that the Lord God is good and He is enough. I want to leave you with two things. The first is a passage from the Gospel of John which beautifully articulates the undeserved mercy of Jesus, and the second is a song/video which has spoken to me in ways mere words have failed. I hope this post helps you and pray that if you too have a difficult time with forgiveness of self or of others, that you would pray for God to soften your heart and to fully see and embrace his mercy.
1 but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. 2 Early in the morning he came again to the temple. All the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them. 3 The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst 4 they said to him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. 5 Now in the Law, Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?” 6 This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. 7 And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8 And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. 9 But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. 10 Jesus stood up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” 11 She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more” (John 8:1-11, ESV).
Soli Deo Gloria
DeYoung, Kevin. 2012. The Hole in Our Holiness: Filling the Gap between Gospel Passion and the Pursuit of Godliness. Wheaton, IL: Crossway.
Lewis, C.S. 1980. Mere Christianity. Revised and Amplified ed. New York, New York: Harper Collins.